oh what a fuckin day to begin... i haven't slept in 28 hours and i don't do so good without my 12 hours (yes, 12). my mind has been racing since i found my pants this morning. all i can think about is how badly i want a cigarette. and a guinness. all too often i've found myself hurling ideas and dreams through the farest reaches of my mind, keeping those that return. but many times, these ideas are the ones that i stay up for days at a time thinking about, and planning, and thinking, and planning... but damn i need a smoke.
i hate that. i hate feeling that my cigarettes are the thread that hold my oh so precocious self together during the day. that's a load. the reality is, i couldn't figure out any other ways to cope with the stress of communication at home so i used smokes as my nerve calmer. so juvenile, it's hard to believe that was a whole three years ago. seventeen years old. that's a trip, not even a high school grad yet, but pompous and completely unwilling to listen to the authority of the school. i was an ass. i loved it.
ahh so why am i here? i'm still not sure, just like i'm not sure i got in the car with phil this morning. just like i don't remember why i had to park his car. or why i have two jackets on right now. i've done a lot of things not really knowing the reason or consequence for those actions. hm. i hate it when that little voice is right. the one that kept whispering in my head saying i was contradicting what i preached. con-form-i-ty. i don't any more really, but it's usually youth that scares us into following despite wanting to lead. growth is about learning not to rely on the need to follow, it's about taking that dive. this... this i am learning.
still. it does not mean the process is easy, or understandable. the things i sit and pontificate sometimes scare me with their complexity. one of those moments where you say to yourself "woah... where the fuck did that come from? where's a fuckin pen?!?!" it's cool though, i like picking my brain apart and putting it back together. constantly cleaning house i guess. but i wish i had a group of peers that did that process for me sometimes. the way someone of the same age dissects you based on what they know, is so interesting. it tends reveal more about them really. by the beard of zeus, i must be insane.
damn. there's a lot of self reflection going on here. i wonder if that's good or bad. interesting none the less. i hate these things. speaking to a nonexistent audience who, if they do exist, wouldn't give two shits about my rants. oh the humanity. ha, that's such a two-sided word.
About Me
- xjamesrawkx
- My Christian name is James but people call me by my given name, James. I'm not old enough to legally drink, i'm a photographer, and i'm a writer. in 5 years i have no idea where i'll be. alive, i hope.
5 comments:
youre so right about blogs bringing out the eem in a person, its just so easy to get really philosophical about your life and start writing... but i thought that what you said was right, especially the stuff about people evaluating you on first impressions. i mean how else can people judge except by what they know? and when they rate you with their values you see those values according to your own, so i guess thats why no one can ever completely know someone else, because its impossible for anyone to know all sides of everything.
My God, Ana, you are so wise!
finally someone speaks the same shit that goes through my mind. i feel the same way. as time passes, i wish i can believe that things start to clear up but i dont. call me cynical? no, i think im just cautious. when i was a few years younger i wanted to race with time so that i can gain wisdom and find answers but i find as i get older i get more questions and the more i know the more i wanna know. its a taste thats sweet but sour at the same time. the taste is an acquired tasted though and i do think that comes with time and makes things more clear.
yes. it's nice that we have matured enough to actually see it. it seems like we tried to grow up too fast and thought we knew but now we realize there is a lot more out there then we orginially thought. you touched on so much there but the whole conformity thing in retrospect is so funny. i used to have friends that were anti-conformity and were "edge" at the same time. laugh. lets go get some coffee?
on a total side note, I do think that the straight edge is still very non conformist, given the fact that the majority of college aged students do use drugs and or alcohol. Granted the majority of straight edge kids do become edge and latter sell out only as a way of fitting in, but I do think that if you truly think for your self that abstaining from drugs and alcohol is whats right for you than you are being non conformist. Honestly doing anything for your self is non conformist in our society today. I try really hard to not be the edge kid who seems high and mighty so hopefully I didn't come off that way to anyone this past semester.
I do agree with what everyone is saying about growing up so fast, I think our society idolizes youth too much, for so long I felt like If I didn't have some sort of measurable success before I was 24 I was a failure and Ive recently realized that I will have barley started my life at 24, let alone peaked.
Post a Comment